Is Your Thinking Killing Your Relationship? What you can do to improve it.

Anyone who has ever been in a long-term relationship knows that there can be challenges along the way. Some difficulties can be immediately apparent due to poor communication, unmet and uncommunicated expectations, and undefined roles within the relationship.

Most of these issues originate in our thoughts and assumptions. 

A perfect example is when my best girlfriend, whose wedding I had been to just a month earlier, called me in tears. I asked her what was wrong. She exclaimed that she was sure she had made a mistake marrying her new husband. Her statement immediately surprised me. I was under the impression everything was terrific.

Was he someone other than the guy she thought she was marrying? According to her, when it came to maintaining the house, he felt “none of it” was his responsibility, including emptying the dishwasher.

This blog is not intended to help you build a list of your partner’s faults. Instead, it’s intended to help you see how your thoughts and judgments about your partner’s actions, inaction, or other behavior can sabotage your emotional connection. When the negative thoughts are left unattended, it can end your relationship. And I don’t want that for you.

Your thoughts about your partner fall into one of two categories: neutral or judgmental. Neutral thoughts have no power or influence. Judgmental thoughts, whether positive or negative, have great power and influence.

So, the big question is, what can you do to change your negative thoughts?

To help improve your relationship, here’s a list of things you can do.

Focus on what is good and working in your relationship. Make a list of 25 things you like and appreciate about your partner. Ask your partner to do the same. Then, share your list with one another, focusing ONLY on the positives.

Communicate and clear your assumptions as they occur and ask for clarification. Everyone experiences what I call left-hand column conversations, that internal conversation you have in your head. These conversations go on all the time. The left-hand side of a conversation is what we assume the other person means or thinks by their words and actions. The right-hand column is what is actually said and done. Often, the two do not match one another. Talking about your internal or left-hand column conversations allows you to gain clarity without blaming the other person.

Recognize ineffective communication patterns you’ve learned from your parents. Then, take steps to release them. Your parents were doing the best they knew while raising you based on their knowledge at the time. Deleting the negative emotions connected to your parents will help to improve your current relationships.

Your relationship is worth investing time and attention. Don’t let this moment pass you by. And if you need additional assistance, reach out to me.