Reward And Affirm Yourself Like You Would Your Dog

Saturday marked the start of my fourth canine training class with Milo. I say “my” training class because we all know that dog training is not really for the dog; it’s for the owner. That said, the class Milo and I are attending is called Basic Leash Manners. Good leash manners are vital skills necessary to take your dog in public with confidence and control.

Our trainer, Emily, encouraged us to bring lots of dog treats in preparation for class. She said, “whatever amount of treats you think you will need, double it. Treats are a dog’s love language.” You know, she was right on both accounts. The number of treats to bring and Milo will do just about anything for a tasty treat. Treats are for sure one of Milo’s love languages.

Now, you may be wondering, what do dog training and treats have to do with you? Let me help you make the connection.

As you likely know, the purpose of the treats is to reward the behavior you want to see repeated. However, what do we humans tend to do most often? Instead of rewarding positive behavior, we unintentionally reinforce/reward (through negativity) behavior we do not want.

Here’s what I mean. We over-express ourselves with too much energy, shouting words like, “NO!” “Don’t do that.” “Don’t touch.” “Get it right.” We talk like this to our children, employees, and even ourselves when we feel frustrated and out of control.

The energy and emphasis we give our message is that of discouragement. We assume that if we convey our message that way, the person or animal will stop the behavior we do not want.

Guess what? It does not work that way. I know. I’ve been there and still am, a parent, a manager of people, and now, a successful dog trainer (after a few failed attempts).

The sad thing is, the way we express ourselves to others is most likely how we talk to ourselves. Often, we admonish ourselves because we expect more than we can give at the time. Unfortunately, our expectations for ourselves are often very high and unrealistic.

At the same time, we practically ignore the behavior we desire – those successes we want to see repeated – both in ourselves and others. We do this by giving little or no energy to validate the efforts of our child, employee, or pet when they get it right. That also extends to how we talk to ourselves. Rarely do we take time to praise and reward ourselves for our accomplishments.

In the Basic Leash Manners Class, Emily taught us to reward our dog when he gets even a tiny portion of the behavior correct. She also reminded us that words of negative reinforcement are not helpful to change behavior. With that in mind, I have two questions for you.

1. How frequently do you admonish yourself for not meeting your expectations, making a mistake, missing a deadline, forgetting to return a call, screwing up in some way?
2. How often do you acknowledge yourself for your accomplishments? Those large and small tasks and to-do’s that you handle successfully?

You deserve acknowledgment for your effort and successes. It is vital when you are a solopreneur or the leader of an organization. Leaders are expected to validate their employees to keep morale high. However, leaders do not typically have people to validate them and their successes, so they must do it themselves.

No matter what level of leadership you may hold, it is essential to acknowledge yourself. Look in the mirror and use phrases like, “Wow! I did a great job on that project/client/presentation.” “Awesome work.” “Way to go, Cheryl! The delivery was not as perfect as you planned, but it was damn good.” (Feel free to insert your own name to replace Cheryl. 😊)

Here’s something to think about.

What do you think would happen if I did not reward Milo until he got the new behavior correct? Do you think he would learn it?

Probably not. Yet, that is how we deal with ourselves. We try something new, expecting perfection. And when we fail, we let our minds wallow in negative thoughts and self-talk. How fair is that? Would you expect a baby to walk across the room on its first try?

Even if your love language is not words of affirmation, you can benefit from regular self-acknowledgment.

The fastest way to build confidence, raise your self-esteem, and develop a positive mindset is to take a few minutes at the end of each day to recap and review activities you performed that day. No matter how insignificant the act might have been, give yourself a positive acknowledgment. For example, if you went grocery shopping and got out of the store with everything on your list – that is a success. Or, if you called a potential client you felt anxious about contacting but did it anyway – that is a success. If you completed 60% of the “to do” items on your list today – that is a success. Remember, it is important to celebrate partial achievements, too.

As you practice the skill of self-acknowledgment, you will notice an increase in your confidence, self-assuredness, effectiveness, and also your ability to lift the spirits of others.

Try this activity for a week, and let me know the difference it makes. Then, if you need help, feel free to schedule a free 30-minute Discovery Call with me, and I will help you break through whatever has you stuck.

Wishing you love and light.